Bella's Travels through Literature and Television
by amused-cat23
Summary: Yeah, so it says Twilight and Vampire Diaries, but there's also Harry Potter, Crime and Punishment, The Stranger and Being Human in here. This is a seriously weird fic... Written for my friend Marissa for her birthday.


**Okay, so this is a seriously odd fan fiction. I wrote it for my friend Marissa (yes, the one I'm writing "The Untold Secrets of the Cullens and Bella" with!) for her 18****th**** birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARISSA! Actually, it was a while ago, but still. **

**This has **_**Twilight, The Vampire Diaries, Harry Potter, Crime and Punishment, The Stranger **_**and **_**Being Human (**_**UK version) references. Yeah, like I said, odd. Not odd for Marissa or me, because we know all about them. **

**Anyway, hope you like this, because I'm still not sure about it… *Sigh* I'm so weird…**

Bella was lying all alone in her bed, thinking about what it would be like to have sex with a vampire. She was sure that the cold would make it even more hot, well, figuratively anyway. Sometimes she put ice cubes in her pants and imagined they were Edward's fingers. Or Alice's. Or even Rosalie's. Hell, they could be any vampire's fingers, because face it, vampires are hot. Figuratively.

Bella was getting aroused thinking about vampires and fingers and got out of bed so she could get some ice. Just then, the window broke open, sending glass everywhere.

"Edward! It's you!"

It was indeed Edward. And he was really pissed.

"What the fuck, Bella? I TOLD YOU TO ALWAYS KEEP YOUR WINDOW OPEN SO I CAN COME IN AND HIDE IN YOUR CLOSET! YOU CHEATING BITCH!"

Bella didn't quite get the fact that Edward was super pissed, so she threw herself on him and started humping his leg like a little dog.

"Oh Edward! *pant* I missed you *huff huff* so much baby! Oh! We should have *pant* sex! RIGHT NOW! OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!"

Bella came. Edward was trying to pull her off of his leg. Funny, he had vampire strength, but was too much of a weakling to pull her off. With the excessive effort, Edward started crying.

"Bellaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Let go! Please let go of meeeeee!"

She fell asleep.

"ALICE! GET HER OFF OF MEEEEEE!"

All the way across town, Alice was dry humping Rosalie. Her Edward senses were tingling, but they were coupled with the tingling she was experiencing from the wonderful Rosalie and kept going, hoping that Edward kept screaming for her.

Carlisle, however, tapped into Alice's Edward senses. Some call it invasion of privacy, Carlisle sure doesn't. Quick as a flash, he was barreling through Bella's bedroom door. As soon as he was in, he got out of the beer keg he rolled over in and yanked Bella off Edward's leg. Surprisingly, she was still sound asleep, even as she was soaring over the trees. Edward was massaging his leg where Bella was clinging to it.

"Do want me to do that, Edward? With my penis? In your ass? Hmmmm?"

Edward stomped his foot and whined, "CARLISLE! NO! STOP TRYING TO GET ME ON YOUR PENIS!"

Bella woke up, surrounded by trees. And wolves. She was thrown all the way to La Push.

"BELLA! MY LOVE!"

Jacob came running over to her and picked her up so he could make out with her nose. As you know, a girl's nose is her second G-spot. Total fact! Embry told him.

"Jacob! How many times have I told you! I DON'T LIKE THAT!"

Jacob just ignored her and kept shoving his tongue in her nostrils while stroking her elbow tenderly. Embry also told him that if you rub a girl's elbow enough, she'll give it up. True story.

"Jacob! STOP! NOW!"

He finally pulled away, a dreamy expression on his face.

"Yes, my love?'

"I want you to make me a werewolf."

Jacob raised his eyebrow.

"I can't do that. While you may think I'm a werewolf, I'm not. I'm just have a condition where I randomly grow massive amounts of hair all over my body. If you want to be a werewolf, you'll need to talk to Tyler."

Bella was extremely confused. "Tyler… The one who almost killed me with a van?"

Jacob shook his head. "No, stupid. Tyler Lockwood."

"They guy from _Vampire Diaries_?"

"Yeah. NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU FREAK!"

Jacob, who had random mood swings, picked Bella up and punted her to Mystic Falls. Bella, who is very stupid, had no idea she was soaring through the air. She was too busy thinking about vampire fingers.

Tyler was walking about, just pissed off at everything. He really wanted to make out with Jeremy, but he was a man and that gay shit didn't fly with real men. Oh, but all he could thing about was giving him an eye job. It's when you slap a person's eyes with your penis. It's very sexy. Matt vouched for it. Tyler was about to go slap a hoe, when he was knocked to the ground by a flying girl. He died instantly.

"Are you Tyler?"

Tyler said nothing.

"You are, aren't you!"

Tyler was silent.

"Make me into a werewolf! Being a human is lame! Since my Eddie-poo won't turn me into a vampire, a werewolf is the next best thing."

Again, Tyler didn't respond.

"Tyler? Tylertylertyler? Wakey wakey!"

Figuring he was tired from being an awesome werewolf, Bella got off of his back and walked to find someone else who could de-humanfy her. She couldn't stand being a stupid human for much longer.

Damon, who was asleep and having a wet dream about Stefan, became aware that there was a new girl in Mystic Falls. She was stupid and would have sex with anything that moved. Damon was out the door before you could say "mashed potatoes."

"Hi. You must be new here. We haven't had the pleasure of fucking yet. My name's Salvatore, DAMON Salvatore."

Bella's eyes lit up. "OMG! ARE YOU A SPARKLY VAMPIRE?"

"Um… no…"

"Yes you are! You're too pretty not to be a vampire! All vampires are sexy! Figuratively. Humans are totally ugly! MAKE ME A VAMPIRE!"

"Why don't I just fuck you where you stand?"

Bella stomped her foot, like a bitch. "NOOOOO! Although I'm super horny and would have sex with anyone, I'M A MORMON! If you want to fuck me, at least propose to me! Even though I would totally drop my pants to anyone, I have standards!"

Damon stepped away from Bella in disgust. "Ew! You're abstinent, aren't you! Ugh! I only have sex fueled escapades with sluts! Like Caroline!"

Just then, Caroline came around the corner. She was complaining to some random passerby as to why her life totally sucked.

"OMG! Matt soooo doesn't want to give me an eye job! WTF? I am just so misunderstood! And pretty! People don't understand pretty people!"

"Who the fuck are you, lady? Get away from me!"

Damon slunk next to Caroline.

"OMG! DAMON! I so want to fuck you here, but for some reason, I really hate you! Get away from me, but still pay attention to me! LOVE ME!"

Damon ignored her and started sucking her blood while she bitched about Matt not loving her enough. Suddenly, Damon started writhing and screaming.

"IT BUUUUUUUURNS! OH GOD! IT FUCKING BUUUUUUUURNS!"

Bella figured that there must be a witch around, and being a witch would be so much cooler than being a werewolf or a vampire. Bonnie rounded the corner, glaring at Damon.

"I totally hate you! But there's a lot of sexual tension between us, so I'm just going to randomly mind burn you!"

As he was twitching on the ground, Damon gasped, "You… aren't… slutty… enough… for… me… AUGH!"

Bella skipped over to Bonnie. "OMG! YOU'RE A WITCH! WITCHES ARE AWESOME AND CAN MAKE UNICORNS! MAKE ME A WITCH!"

Bonnie raised an eyebrow at Bella. "Um… I can't do that. You must be in the wrong place. Here." She waved her hands and said some random stuff in Latin. A portal opened up in front of Bella. Bonnie pushed the annoying girl in and zipped it up.

"Well, now that THAT'S out of the way…"

She walked over to her lover, Elena. They started scissoring right there in the middle of the park. What can I say? They have massive amounts of sex in Mystic Falls. Figures too. The Mystic Falls Grill doesn't card anyone, so most of the time, everyone's drunk. Even little kids. In fact, as we speak, two five year olds were getting freaky on a park bench. As were a group of old people and a very confused teenage boy. His name was Matt. An old man was giving him an eye job.

Bella fell face first into a pile of dead pine needles. It was déjà vu all over again! Just then, three teenagers, who were running, all tripped over Bella.

"Ahhh! Jimminy cricket!"

"Oh tea and crumpets!"

"AW HELL NAW!"

Harry and Ron looked at Hermione with shocked expressions. They knew she listened to gangsta rap, but they were always surprised when she talked gangsta. Ron had to hide is boner. Harry, who saw Ron's boner, had to hide his own boner. Hermione readjusted her doo-rag and pushed her pants below her ass.

"BITCH! DA FUUUUUCK?"

Bella looked at them. They were so obviously wizards, it was ridiculous.

"Can you guys make me magical?"

Ron, who came when he heard Hermione talk more gangsta, was rolling on the ground, moaning in ecstasy. Harry, who witnessed all of this, also came.

"NnnnnnghaAAAAHHHH! FUCK!"

Hermione pulled out her wand, which was actually just a semi-automatic pistol, and held it sideways.

"Bitch! We ain't no charity! GO FIGGER YER SHIT OUT SOMEWHERES ELSE, OR I'LL POP A FUCKIN CAP UP YO ASS!"

Bella was terrified and she ran all the way to St. Petersburg. And about two hundred and fifty years into the past. She ran into a terrified Raskolnikov.

"Ahhhh! Noooooo!"

Bella rubbed her head where she hit the man.

"Oh, Mr. Beggar man sir, can you tell me where I can go to get changed into something that's cool and not a witch, werewolf or a vampire. They aren't cool enough."

"Ah! I must teach you the ways of Superman!"

"SUPERMAN? OMGSSSSS! THAT'S SOO COOL!"

"First question, are you-"

"WE SHOULD GET MARRIED AND HAVE TONS OF SEX!"

"I CAN'T GET MARRIED! I AM SUPERMAN! I AM NOT ATTACHED TO ANYONE! GET AWAY FROM ME, PETTY CITIZEN!"

"Omg! I love you! Pay attention to me!"

Raskolnikov started running the opposite direction of Bella. He ended up running into the police station, carrying a bloody axe. He was arrested and sentenced to exile in Siberia.

"I'LL WAIT FOR YOU, HAPPY BEGGAR SUPERMAN!"

Of course, she didn't actually mean it and ended up skipping all the way to Algeria. She skipped right up to an attractive man smoking a cigarette.

"Omg! You look super cool! Let's get married and have sex and you can teach me how to be an emotionless person! Everyone knows emotionless people are so much cooler than supermen, witches, werewolves and vampires.

Meursault just shrugged and said, "Sure, but it doesn't mean much to me."

Bella, who is incredibly attracted to rejection, was crushed.

"Don't you want to shoo me away? Tell me that you aren't good enough for me?"

Meursault took another drag from his cigarette and said, "It's all the same to me."

Tears welled in Bella's eyes.

"Don't you want to create frustrated sexual tension with me?"

Meursault, who was getting pretty frustrated, grabbed the gun Raymond gave him and went to find an Arab to shoot.

Bella ran away crying. She ran all the way to present day US, where she met a girl named Marissa.

"BOO HOO HOO! NO ONE WANTS TO DEHUMANFY ME!"

Marissa just sighed and pulled out a glock.

"Here. You can be a ghost."

Marissa shot Bella between her eyes. The whole world gave a big sigh of relief.

Bella woke up in Bristol. She rubbed her forehead. Just then, Annie came walking in with a mug. She thrust it into Bella's hand.

"Is this tea?"

"No. We're out of tea. It's just hot water."

Bella dropped the cup and fell to her knees.

"NOOOOOO!"

The End

**Yeah… Um… I kinda just wrote this on a whim… **

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARISSA!**

**Darkkite23 =^..^=**


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